Boo, I am in a rut. Unfortunately this is not a rut of late; this seems to
be a rut that started since (whisper) I became a mom. Why the whisper? It is
NOT in any way, shape or form that I regret becoming a mom. I wanted to be a
mom, I LOVE my kids, and they are my life. But maybe that is a little teeny,
tiny bit of the problem. They are my life. Don’t take that the wrong way. I
hope that I can better explain myself. Let me give you a little back story.
Here is the cliff notes version of my life
Act 1 - Start Here
I grew up in a loving household with supportive parents. I enjoyed school,
had success in sports, took the smart kid classes and had (still have) great
friends. My dad was my #1 fan; there was no shortage of praise from him. He and
my mom thought I could conquer the world and accomplish anything I set my mind
to. And I thought it too!!
Act 2 - Next Step
College was no different. Played sports, more great friends, I had a coveted
bartending job at a campus hot spot and I held leadership positions at my
college. Back then I often saw myself holding a leadership position in my
future, I enjoyed assuming that role. I imagined somewhere on the local level
such as local politician-mayor of the town in which I lived.
Act 3 - Here I exist
I am not sure what happened, or how my vision for myself changed.
Fast-forward to present day, married with two children. Again, don't get me
wrong, I enjoy my life. However I pretty much struggle daily with feelings of
inadequacy. I feel as though I am not doing enough, being enough, making the
impact I thought I would.
Each Friday I go to dinner with my dad and I have had this conversation with
him. What is my identity? What am I destined to do/achieve/accomplish? How am I
going to change the world or my little part of the world? He feels terrible
hearing me say this and he replies that I am doing a wonderful job raising two
sweet, kind little girls and that should be my focus at this time. Which ok,
fine but there is enough time to do that and make a larger impact beyond just my
family. I tell my students don't just exist within these four walls. Be bigger,
be more, do more than just exist. However I feel that is what I am doing, just
existing. I have used being a mom as an excuse to have no time to do anything
else. I feel that I have not focused in on any one thing to be great at any one
thing. Since becoming a mom five years ago, I feel as though I have lost
part of my own identity, I have put myself into a little box labeled
"mom".
Act 4 – So Now What?
I recently gave the eulogy at my friend's father’s funeral. In all honesty
the passing of one life makes you think about your own. Unfortunately at this
point I feel I have not been the person I want to be, made the impact that I
want to make, that I thought I would be making in life. I wake each day
waiting for a sign, waiting for something to hit me, getting that Aha moment.
So now what? Time to re-focus and
lay out some plans for my life and start being the person I desire and
envisioned so long ago. Stop using the excuse that I am too busy. Because you
know what, everyone is busy. I need to make time for the things I am passionate
about again and show my daughters how to be the best version of themselves that
they can be.
Teach them by modeling for
them how to make a difference and support things they believe in, chase their
dreams, achieve their goals, and have passions. Be leaders, do not just exist.
Ok, therapy session over. Today’s take away, don’t just exist. Don’t let yourself
be defined by one label.
…C